


Ware!! the Ishgardian Threat Descends!!, or, A Concerned Reporter Considers the Ramifications of Ishgardian Association with our Fairer Sex of Great Ul'dah

by pudgy puk (deumion)



Series: a Scrapbook of Eorzean Magazine, Newspaper, and Book Clippings [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Elezen Penis Envy, Humor, In-Universe Documents, Other, Paging Dr Freud, Psychoanalyse This, Unintentional Homoeroticism, cocks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 01:28:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12378072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deumion/pseuds/pudgy%20puk
Summary: Published this 21st Sun of the Sixth Astral Moon of the Sixth Year of the Seventh Astral Era, in the most fashionable Uldahn Gentleman's Gazette, the necessary periodical for every self-respecting Man-About-Town, a Feature Article highlighting how a Rake's Progress stands to be impeded by the Ishgardians.





	Ware!! the Ishgardian Threat Descends!!, or, A Concerned Reporter Considers the Ramifications of Ishgardian Association with our Fairer Sex of Great Ul'dah

Ware!! the Ishgardian Threat Descends!!, or, A Concerned Reporter Considers the Ramifications of Ishgardian Association with our Fairer Sex of Great Ul'dah

 

by Mr. Drystan Thropp

 

O, but a more bitter Time to be an Uldahn has not existed in my Memory—nor even that of my Father, nor his before him! I speak not of the Garlean Threat—not of the troubles of old Ala Mhigo bleeding westward—not even the horrific Calamity, a mere Six Years past—but of the Great Northern Menace.

What, is that? You ask of me? Yes, I very well can see the befuddled Faces of the younger of my dear Readers, their boyish unknowing of the Trials forming now! Listen closely, Boys: Has not your Sister begun fancying Fur Trims and layers in her Clothes, even on the most sweltering Days? Does not your Mother entertain with mulled Wine and Brandy, and rich milk Teas with elaborate Custard and Tarts? And the Girls in the parks, do they not giggle over a Breed of Knight quite different from our own native Gladiators and Paladins? If you’ve noticed this, I’m sure you’ve noticed the sour Faces on your Brother and Uncle and Neighbor—for it is not enough that Ishgardian Trappings have become fashionable again, but their Men have cast their eyes over our Desert Rose and seen it ripe for plucking!

The men of the Exotic North have always had ease at capturing the Hearts and more of Ladies fine and mean alike (I shall not dirty this fine Periodical’s pages with the coarsest Gossip about their philandrous Adventures in Ishgard, suffice to say it is such the Practice there that Bastardy has its own Names and Laws)! Rare though it may be for these icebound Aristocrats to leave their native Hunting Grounds, they do it often enough and more so the past Moons that not only have they developed a Fondness for our Oasis Blooms, but our Girls have formed a Weakness to their Charms. A singularly unfair Weakness it is too, I might add—dear Lads, you have seen the ridiculous Covers on the Books your Aunties and Cousins read, about dragon-slaying High House Lords and Knights Dragoon? I am sorry to say they are not nearly as Exaggerated as you think they are. The Elezen Men of Ishgard are nearly seven Fulms of Height, and though all have an innate Tendency to Slenderness, their well-fed, well-trained Knights are as thewy as any Pugilist, or More. Their Eyes are piercing pale Colors, it is the Fashion to wear their Hair Long and Well-Trimmed in their Capital… O! but it is to Despair: for how is any honest Hyuran or Lalafellin or Miqo’te man to compete with Ishgardian Noblemen? With the beauty of their Faces, the grace of their Motion, their comeliness of Dress and Comportment, and the Size of their Endowments?

I mean the word not in the Uldahn sense, rather, that of the crudest Limsan Sailor’s jawing. It pains me, my good Readers, but such is the Threat all men in Ul’dah must now face, clear-eyed and sober of Mind—the Northmen are come and if they seduce your sweet Lass, So Much For You. I have not known of a Woman who ever preferred another after spending a Night with an Ishgardian Rake. True, they say it is because they are attentive Lovers, caring and devoted as well as handsome, rich, and powerful—but this cannot be all of it! And finally—after so many Years of tireless Reporting!—I have the Proof of it right here: a Report from a former Attendant of their Knights Hospitallier, with the Privilege of treating the Great Men of Ishgard, from before she fled the Exotic North to the cloistered Forests of the Black Shroud. Even now, she pens a Memoir, and graciously shared with me her Memory and Observation of these Men, and, with such intimate Secrets, I am prepared to argue before all the world that the very Members of these Men are to blame for our Woes, when their Owners come to carouse in our Taverns!

The Knights Hospitallier are a most Noble Order, treating only the Great of Ishgard, and my Confidante did choose to be discreet about Identities out of the Respect due to their Blood, but be confident, dear Readers, that even though Names will be left unspoken, the Offending Members discussed belong not to the Vulgar and Common of Ishgard, but those Self-same Barons and Viscounts come from the Mountains down to cavort in our Valleys. The first of these, she says she encountered Many A Time, being in a hazardous Occupation yet not often out of the City on Operations, thus often seeking the Hospitalliers for Treatment. Says she, “I did notice his Sun-Tanning, for not often in our Climate or Latitude do you see such browning—much less all over!” It is a brave Man indeed who would bare all in Ishgard. Long and thin all over, she did regard him, and with his vigorous, chipper Demeanor, likely to recover from Exertion as quickly as he did from Injury—even as his Cheer made of him ever a welcome Guest.

The Second she recounted was himself infamous amongst the Hospitalliers—like our first Subject, he rarely left the City, being born to truly immense Wealth and Privilege, and being inclined to disseminate his Wealth and privilege others with his Company quite liberally. Of the Elezen Men of our country, she said he was of her patients most like we Midlanders, being diminutive for an Elezen—right before reminding me that even diminutive, he still would have had at least a Fulm of Height on me! Thal’s Balls, imagine! Anyroad, she saw him oft for he were naught but a Cad and naught there could be done for it. Brown of Skin but rosy Pink for the Head, she did describe him, and said the Colors were most Pleasing in Complement and Contrast, with “plush Hips for Comfort, for Nobility Obliges.” We should be grateful he keeps his roving Eyes to the Heavens above Mountains, not Deserts.

I am not the First of the learned Men to comment so on it, but Ishgardian Law is famed for its stern Austerity—it is a harsh and unforgiving Restraint on the Populace, and it draws its Hold closer every time its Clerics and Elders consider what might happen were their Appetites fully Loosed. Vows of Celibacy or Chastity are encouraged for every important Post in Government and Society, and the unspoken Codes for the appropriate Ways to disregard these, I am told, would be twice the Length of the Texts of the Actual Laws. But such things, oh, the Ishgardians speak not of them—so my Confidante was exceptionally reticent concerning the Times she treated the Archbishop’s very own Bodyguards and right-hand Men. These, the finest Specimens of Manhood in all Ishgard, must of course take the Vows, and cleave to Chastity and Innocence, and so, she says, “I durst not tell of seeing not only their Flesh, but their ‘Maidservants,’ ‘Seamstresses,’ and ‘Charity,’ all tumescent.” Such she tended to in Secret, a Midwife to Never-Wives, and tightlipped on what made it so worth it for them—tightlipped, O! but with such a wicked Smile!

Yet there are things even more Forbidden in the Coldest North. All of Eorzea knows the deadly Dance they are locked in with the Dravanian Horde, yet fewer know how these stern People harness the very Monstrous Power of their Enemy to gain an Advantage over them! The most elite of their Dragoons, these are the Ones who dance the most daringly with the Dragon Within—ever at risk of Corruption, should they take the slightest Misstep—and to hear my Confidante tell it, the Signs show in their Bodies: lean and powerful, yet with telling and enticing Traces of Fragility. These were the Patients who _Submitted_ to Care, revealed their Secrets—even when they were, as with the Very Greatest of all of them, just a little draconic. Wild-eyed, fierce-hearted, and with a Dragon’s Influence on even Intimate Parts, the Tempted become Tempters—who could turn down such Lovers? Who would eschew the Opportunity to see, to touch, and then to Know?

 

And thus—thus, my Dear Readers—I must end this Missive until the next Issue. Be ever vigilant of the Great Northern Menace, lest not a one of us ever know our Sweetheart’s Embrace again! Have faith, for I, your humble Journalist, will not rest until I have learned all there is to know about these Devilish Dandys. If any of you should know or learn a Thing that might Enlighten on the matter of Ishgardian Seducers, I will pay for tips and at a Quite Generous Rate.

**Author's Note:**

> I had to get this out of my system in order to make progress on things marginally more serious than this. I would apologize, but I am actually not terribly sorry.


End file.
